It occurs to me that I’m not inclined to write blog posts about my personal life. I’ve been seeing a lot of wordpressers do it, so I figured I’ll take a stab, too. I mean, why not open up? What could be the harm?
I’d been holding on to this notion that not everything needs to be posted online and that most things, the good and the bad, are reserved for only those few closest to you–some bullshit about line-crossing and sacredness that I thought my conscience was telling me about. I also got this idea from somewhere that I didn’t want to get into anything too private, out of respect for other people being real, actual human beings and junk. You know? That thing about us all being on our own journeys? But I just can’t do that anymore. Here’s why:
Deep breath. Here goes. Brutal honesty.
I am literally the spider form of IT, you know, the villain in that Stephen King novel? Not the werewolf or Pennywise the Clown form, just the spider form. I hadn’t realized it until recently when my best friend brought it to my attention, and when someone that close to you tells you news like this, well, you perk up your ears. If they said so, I thought, it must be true and I can’t just go around being too stubborn-minded to consider that.
Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t passive-aggressive or immature at all. I’m telling you, I watched the 1990’s version of IT back again tonight, because I own the DVD and all, and when I saw my scene in the sewers at the end, I gasped, “Ohhh! It’s totally mee!” That’s when I knew it was true. (I don’t get to a mirror much, obviously). I picked up the novel from my bedroom, which I own as well, and checked it out, you know, just to be sure, and there was no doubt King was talking about me.
I’m still trying to figure out how Stephen King came into contact with me and based an entire novel of that magnitude on me, but I reckon he has his ways. You don’t become one of the most successful writers of all time by accident, after all!
As I sit here, I wonder if the producers of the IT movie remake have captured recent footage of me in action, driving victims insane like Henry Bowers or just putting victims into a catatonic state like Audra Denbrough. I’m really good at luring them in with false niceties and balloons and shit. I’ve entangled many victims in my web of absolute evil, later squeezing the life out of them–flies, as I like to think of them. Well, I won’t have to wait long to find out if I’ll be on the big screen again; the movie releases next month!
How did my friend see the truth about me so clearly, you ask? I’ll tell you. Let’s call the friend Sully to protect their identity; Sully might need to identify other evil spider beings in the world and I wouldn’t want to blow Sully’s cover.
Anyhoo, the last straw I think was that time when Sully had begged me for days to do something for them. I tried to do that thing and it didn’t work out. I told Sully that my feelings got hurt in the process but I admitted that it wasn’t totally their fault and I apologized. Also, unrelated things, I said I got mean text messages from someone else and that I was worried Sully would bail on a project and as my friend in general.
Sully’s spidey radar tingled when I did those things that day, for it was apparently, inexcusably and wholly evil and they let me know it! All along I’d been hypnotizing Sully for my manipulative agenda, they said. I’m unclear what my agenda was but it certainly has something to do with selfishness and being a big meanie pants face. And I want to say sorry for whatever badness there is that I’m unaware of, except that evil ITs aren’t sorry so I’m kind of having to come to terms with this not being nice anymore thing.
Whew! Not a human thing at all, it was spider IT evil. We should all have a friend this perceptive. (Well, I guess I can’t call Sully a friend anymore, being that I’m this spider bitch openly now and who wants to be friends with that?) Thank God Sully told me because I wouldn’t have known otherwise. If I’m to be evil, I should at least know it, right? And stop all this moral-compass, golden-rule farce? Pfffff! So silly! That whole me being a school teacher thing, gets ’em every time. I was only ever thinking of me.
Which leads me to another thing I think made Sully realize I was spider-IT: I don’t practice organized religion. Horrifying, I know. You see, I’d been praying to God through a journal and in my head throughout my days, whenever the need arose, to guide my actions towards love and positivity. I usually asked for inner peace and the same for fellow man but I was unaware that was evil. Sully said that this form of so-called “religion” is a canker that infests, a contaminant, since it doesn’t take place in any type of temple and the prayers weren’t predetermined nor involving certain body positions as stated in Abrahamic scriptures. Makes sense, though, me being an evil spider and all–how was I to know what the right religion was? Sully made it clear that I am, without a doubt, a bad person who needs to be blamed for their sadness they feel.
Don’t worry, though! Sully is feeling better now, no thanks to me. (I wouldn’t know goodness if it smacked me in the face so never give a spider the benefit of the doubt.) Thanks was due to people who looked like Sully, superior to me as they practice Sully’s religion, and don’t have my tainted blood in them. Apparently you can only pick one or the other, people who look like you or people/spiders who don’t. I’d no idea it was all or nothing! To be a decent person towards one, is like shitting on the other. Mind blown. I bet you’re learning a lot of valuable information, reader.
This is kinda scary, though, you know? I am IT and who knows whose life I’ll ruin next? Who in the fuck even let me be born!? Dear Lord, people are going around worrying about nukes lately? HA! Everyone needs to be worried about me! I’m out there free-roaming the streets and sewers. I have full access to the internet. I have to be stopped. Someone please put me down! (By that I mean hurt my feelings with insults or euthanize me–it works either way.)
And if you are too afraid to face me like the weakest loser Stan was, could you, readers, at least take a moment in the comments to blame me for something, anything, then tell me that I’m leading my life wrong. I’d really appreciate it because I haven’t had that for like a whole five minutes and nothing seems to make sense unless I hear that regularly. Thanks much.