The Whole Truth About Me

It occurs to me that I’m not inclined to write blog posts about my personal life. I’ve been seeing a lot of wordpressers do it, so I figured I’ll take a stab, too. I mean, why not open up? What could be the harm?

I’d been holding on to this notion that not everything needs to be posted online and that most things, the good and the bad, are reserved for only those few closest to you–some bullshit about line-crossing and sacredness that I thought my conscience was telling me about. I also got this idea from somewhere that I didn’t want to get into anything too private, out of respect for other people being real, actual human beings and junk. You know? That thing about us all being on our own journeys? But I just can’t do that anymore. Here’s why:

Deep breath. Here goes. Brutal honesty.

I am literally the spider form of IT, you know, the villain in that Stephen King novel? Not the werewolf or Pennywise the Clown form, just the spider form. I hadn’t realized it until recently when my best friend brought it to my attention, and when someone that close to you tells you news like this, well, you perk up your ears. If they said so, I thought, it must be true and I can’t just go around being too stubborn-minded to consider that.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t passive-aggressive or immature at all. I’m telling you, I watched the 1990’s version of IT back again tonight, because I own the DVD and all, and when I saw my scene in the sewers at the end, I gasped, “Ohhh! It’s totally mee!” That’s when I knew it was true. (I don’t get to a mirror much, obviously). I picked up the novel from my bedroom, which I own as well, and checked it out, you know, just to be sure, and there was no doubt King was talking about me.

I’m still trying to figure out how Stephen King came into contact with me and based an entire novel of that magnitude on me, but I reckon he has his ways. You don’t become one of the most successful writers of all time by accident, after all!

As I sit here, I wonder if the producers of the IT movie remake have captured recent footage of me in action, driving victims insane like Henry Bowers or just putting victims into a catatonic state like Audra Denbrough. I’m really good at luring them in with false niceties and balloons and shit. I’ve entangled many victims in my web of absolute evil, later squeezing the life out of them–flies, as I like to think of them. Well, I won’t have to wait long to find out if I’ll be on the big screen again; the movie releases next month!

How did my friend see the truth about me so clearly, you ask? I’ll tell you. Let’s call the friend Sully to protect their identity; Sully might need to identify other evil spider beings in the world and I wouldn’t want to blow Sully’s cover.

Anyhoo, the last straw I think was that time when Sully had begged me for days to do something for them. I tried to do that thing and it didn’t work out. I told Sully that my feelings got hurt in the process but I admitted that it wasn’t totally their fault and I apologized. Also, unrelated things, I said I got mean text messages from someone else and that I was worried Sully would bail on a project and as my friend in general.

Sully’s spidey radar tingled when I did those things that day, for it was apparently, inexcusably and wholly evil and they let me know it! All along I’d been hypnotizing Sully for my manipulative agenda, they said. I’m unclear what my agenda was but it certainly has something to do with selfishness and being a big meanie pants face. And I want to say sorry for whatever badness there is that I’m unaware of, except that evil ITs aren’t sorry so I’m kind of having to come to terms with this not being nice anymore thing.

Whew! Not a human thing at all, it was spider IT evil. We should all have a friend this perceptive. (Well, I guess I can’t call Sully a friend anymore, being that I’m this spider bitch openly now and who wants to be friends with that?) Thank God Sully told me because I wouldn’t have known otherwise. If I’m to be evil, I should at least know it, right? And stop all this moral-compass, golden-rule farce? Pfffff! So silly! That whole me being a school teacher thing, gets ’em every time. I was only ever thinking of me.

Which leads me to another thing I think made Sully realize I was spider-IT: I don’t practice organized religion. Horrifying, I know. You see, I’d been praying to God through a journal and in my head throughout my days, whenever the need arose, to guide my actions towards love and positivity. I usually asked for inner peace and the same for fellow man but I was unaware that was evil. Sully said that this form of so-called “religion” is a canker that infests, a contaminant, since it doesn’t take place in any type of temple and the prayers weren’t predetermined nor involving certain body positions as stated in Abrahamic scriptures. Makes sense, though, me being an evil spider and all–how was I to know what the right religion was? Sully made it clear that I am, without a doubt, a bad person who needs to be blamed for their sadness they feel.

Don’t worry, though! Sully is feeling better now, no thanks to me. (I wouldn’t know goodness if it smacked me in the face so never give a spider the benefit of the doubt.) Thanks was due to people who looked like Sully, superior to me as they practice Sully’s religion, and don’t have my tainted blood in them. Apparently you can only pick one or the other, people who look like you or people/spiders who don’t. I’d no idea it was all or nothing! To be a decent person towards one, is like shitting on the other. Mind blown. I bet you’re learning a lot of valuable information, reader.

This is kinda scary, though, you know? I am IT and who knows whose life I’ll ruin next? Who in the fuck even let me be born!? Dear Lord, people are going around worrying about nukes lately? HA! Everyone needs to be worried about me! I’m out there free-roaming the streets and sewers. I have full access to the internet. I have to be stopped. Someone please put me down! (By that I mean hurt my feelings with insults or euthanize me–it works either way.)

And if you are too afraid to face me like the weakest loser Stan was, could you, readers, at least take a moment in the comments to blame me for something, anything, then tell me that I’m leading my life wrong. I’d really appreciate it because I haven’t had that for like a whole five minutes and nothing seems to make sense unless I hear that regularly. Thanks much.

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39 thoughts on “The Whole Truth About Me

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  1. Spider, spider, on the wall
    Have you any brains at all?
    Can’t you see it’s just been plastered?
    Can’t you see that, you little… spider?

    You’re not evil, FFP. Sully (a name with double meaning, nice touch) is wrong about you. You’re the bomb, and even when you’re being revelatory and exposing raw nerves and pain, you’re entertaining and funny. 😊❀

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Just kidding. seriously…have we spoken before? either way, thank you for your little ditty up there and for the compliment on my cleverly bitchy character name. I’m glad I could entertain you. I was laughing a lot to myself while writing this but honestly, I’m not laughing anymore. i feel stupid. idk if i’ve had the pleasure to read anything from your blog. is there a piece you’d recommend?

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        1. nah nah nah. but thank you for the defense. except the only thing I wish we could hammer was their inner demons, figuratively speaking. the person is like my child/sibling to me and no matter how much they are all “i hate you mom, everything is your fault” i don’t want them harmed, i want them to get healthy and peaceful. and no one can ultimately do that but them. as for me, now i just have to turn inwards to be reminded of my qualities and to figure out what i need to work on. thanks again Kim πŸ™‚

          Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re obviously going through some stuff FFP, but I like the way you’ve shared it here in your classic storyteller form. After taking my kid to the local reptile and arachnid zoo yesterday, I was reminded just how awesome spiders are.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Kim, this means so much to me. it matters a lot if you didn’t know. I’d kind of lost sight of how rad i am, forgotten the things I like most about myself because someone flipped them around on me and made them out to be evil and i lost my shit–if you can call this losing your shit. i thought it would help, since other people seem to do this as a way to comfort themselves but writing about something personal didn’t actually make me feel any better. it made me feel worse and ashamed for doing it. it was ultimately pointless. sigh. now i feel shitty. like shitty shit. at least i can say i tried doing this and i know for sure it doesn’t work for me personally. how are you? hope you post again soon. you know i’m a fan. (hugs)

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Phil, to be honest with you, I read this comment this morning and it struck a very prominent chord with me. And, even though it’s been said everywhere in every way, your “the way you are is fine how it is” comment caused me to burst into tears of appreciation. it came at the exact right time and in the right words. of course it would’ve been nice to hear it from my best friend who I thought i’d earned that from but unfortunately that person sees me in a horrible light for some reason and i’m really taking it hard even if I shouldn’t. so anyway thank you for this and for your blog posts. i really appreciate you reading and enjoying the storytelling aspect of it.

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  3. I always think of the following sayings, when someone is talking shit/trying to bring me down: another person’s opinion of me is none of my business, AND I can’t control what other people do…only how I react to them, OH…AND, life is too short to be unhappy. I’m not sure what that all adds up to, other than keep on trucking. And writing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Eric. I’ve heard them all a billion times and i 100 percent agree with you on that. no question. but part of me is still having a hard time catching up with the wisest part of me. this was about something very important to me and it is not easy. it is killing me and you are right, there is nothing I can do about it. not a thing i can do or say. which is why i’m regretting this post but hey i thought i’d try it bc nothing else was helping me move through it. it did tire me out (mentally) so there’s something at least. mind isn’t racing as much. thank you for reading. really appreciate your time and your kind comment. How’s your writing going?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Never regret expressing yourself. I take it as an honor and a privilege to be a witness to a person’s art and self-expression and even more so when they open a window into their lives. Just my opinion.
        As for how my writing is going, I’d like to say swimmingly (mostly because I rarely get an occasion to use ‘swimmingly’), but my state of mind seems to be lending itself to abstract thought and poetry. Admittedly, I really need to get working on a book. I was thinking of expanding on my post Deathnet, but it feels like it’s moving towards Mystery, which is a genre I’m unaccustomed to.
        I do understand the hesitancy to opening those windows, but I wouldn’t rue it out. I’ve gotten more catharsis from those posts than any other.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. good luck on the book. i’ve been working on a personal project as well. so cheers to us both. i am fascinated and respect personal posts and expression but it’s just not me. i’m sure i just pissed off the friend more who clearly knows it was about them. shrug. trying to give them a dose of their own medicine is fucking stupid and now i’m clear on that.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I’m sure I stepped on some toes. I wrote about being half Native American and never feeling truly accepted by my native peoples, who I adore, and I questioned their tribal policies of only allowing members who marry other natives the ability to live on the reserve. There was a lot of deep-seated pain there. True friends and loved ones should understand when someone lashes back, that it’s out of pain and frustration. That this is a learning moment that both of you can grow from.
            Definitely cheers to us!

            Liked by 1 person

    1. soooo evillll. hahaa. thanks again ivors! hope you’re well. i’m stuck between wondering whether this was fearless or cowardly, handling an issue with another person like this. i just really really needed to laugh at it and at myself so that i did. thank you so much again. look out for the dead lights !!! not from me. i give up on the spider act.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks I appreciate your kindness Person. Yeah the story is a masterpiece in my opinion. Hard to have it used as a bullying tool against me but your hope will pull through. I’m sure I’ll be fine. We all will be. It’s really not that world ending. Thanks for being here and for commenting. I appreciate it greatly

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    1. Hahahaahaahahh. I just sort of started doing it bc I didn’t want to call you Mr. B or anything and yeah I didn’t even think about how you’d take it at all. I didn’t over think something for one single time in my life. It’s a great feeling!!! We are rad. Fact. Hugs!!!

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